It occurs to me that this time in my life, this part—this part where I am not married, where I check the 'single' box on forms, and I have a boyfriend, and I have not had a wedding, and I do not have a husband, and I am not a wife—this part is almost done, and it would behoove me to document its existence and its passing. My mind is a gentle whirl of wedding thoughts, not stressful and hellish, but constant and constant and constant. So easy to forget about the big picture when there are candles, LED lights, carpools and caterers to think about. And vows. There are vows to think about—I feel like we'll leave that until the end, procrastinate the most important part until the last second. This is my style, it has worked thus far.
This is not something I normally do—write candidly, plainly, about my life—but getting married is not something I normally do either. In fact I have never done it, and I hope to never do it again. My future husband has done it before, but nope, not me.
I am not freaking out, or awfully stressed. I am content, and happy, and very in sync with Jason. I just kind of am. I don't feel terribly creative, nor do I feel terribly complicated. And that is a weird thing to say, that I don't feel complicated, but I mean it. I mean that this all just seems to be happening in the right way, unfolding at an ideal pace. And my thoughts and emotions surrounding the wedding, the marriage, the whole huge crazy fact of it—relatively simple. Which, despite Tropic Thunder's usage of the term, does not mean stupid or moronic. This is simple; this is love. This is us doing this thing that we want to do, that we are excited to do, and we're doing it in a way that is deeply personal, very ours, very uncompromised. Very true.
All of which is not to say that I don't sometimes freak out, think whoa wife oh my god what the fuck. Think how does this change how people relate to me, to us? Do I become 'the married friend', will saying 'husband' stop feeling totally bizarre at some point, will 'wife' be a word I identify with, will we ever just not want to be married? And on and on and all that necessary and real shit. I like the freakouts. They make everything more real.