A new development: I feel like crying constantly. It's like the day before my period, but everyday, and no period in sight (for a while). I am not sad—I am the complete opposite of sad. But there's a new hormonal welling up of emotion happening here. I welcome it, I do. I am forgetful, I am teary, I am happy, I am very visibly pregnant, and I still get up to pee at least 3 times a night. This is my status update.
I almost cried at kickboxing last week while I was on the floor, stretching, and "Sweet Child O Mine" came on and I imagined Jason and I singing it to Ivy; and then "We Belong" came on and I almost cried because of that because it reminds me of Jason; and I did cry last night when Jason was talking to my belly, telling Ivy about all of the fun things they're going to do together, and how he's going to read to her and sing to her and clap with her and feed her so mommy can get sleep; I cry or almost cry when I'm trying to express something and am not quite getting it out right; I cry or almost cry thinking about the amazingness of my friends and family, all of Ivy's aunties...when we have dinner with Kim and get psychic dictionary readings from her; and when Julia sends awesome enthusiastic emails; when my mom gives me more cute stuff that she got at the thrift store, and when she has me lift my shirt so she can stare at my belly and do some crying herself; when we spend the day in San Jo with Kirstie and Kayce and all these Willow Glen people who are so wonderfully supportive of their wondrous engagement (well, marriage); when Jenn gives us enormous amazing amounts of baby clothes and barf rags and bibs and socks and hats and convinces us that yes, we are going to need it all (and more!); when Jason is just completely wonderful, which is seriously quite often; and when Anna and Katie and Rachel send me sweet messages about this blog and I realize that people actually read what I'm writing, and enjoy it, and feel close to and connected to this magical process.
And I cry or almost cry for sad reasons too, like when I pass Children's Hospital and think of sick kids and their parents, and today, when I emailed with Louisa about the funeral she went to for a 5-year old boy who was killed by a truck in Berkeley recently—and she gave me the link to the website that has been made for him and I could barely look at it, and I realized that, despite my sense of calm and peace, I am affected in new ways by things relating to children dying or hurting or being harmed. I felt the gorgeous scary weight of this thing that Jason and I are doing, this bringing a life into the world and hoping beyond hope that we can keep it safe and healthy and happy and warm and alive. I'm not afraid of it, I just feel it, deeply. These thoughts in particular have made me cry several times today, and will probably keep me crying on and off for the rest of my life.
I also almost cried when Ellen had Portia DeRossi on her show today and they were really loving and sweet. My sister almost cried too, and she's not pregnant. Fleet Foxes makes me almost cry, and so does Neko Case. And Tom Waits, but that's obvious.
I definitely thought that writing this would make me cry, but it hasn't seemed to. Maybe that's because I just drank a cup of tea and I have to pee super bad and that's kind of dominating my realm of physical sensations right now.
Anyway. To all you awesome friends who are reading this and supporting us and being so kind and present and loving and excited and generous: THANK YOU! I love you guys. Ok, now I'm almost crying...
I almost cried at kickboxing last week while I was on the floor, stretching, and "Sweet Child O Mine" came on and I imagined Jason and I singing it to Ivy; and then "We Belong" came on and I almost cried because of that because it reminds me of Jason; and I did cry last night when Jason was talking to my belly, telling Ivy about all of the fun things they're going to do together, and how he's going to read to her and sing to her and clap with her and feed her so mommy can get sleep; I cry or almost cry when I'm trying to express something and am not quite getting it out right; I cry or almost cry thinking about the amazingness of my friends and family, all of Ivy's aunties...when we have dinner with Kim and get psychic dictionary readings from her; and when Julia sends awesome enthusiastic emails; when my mom gives me more cute stuff that she got at the thrift store, and when she has me lift my shirt so she can stare at my belly and do some crying herself; when we spend the day in San Jo with Kirstie and Kayce and all these Willow Glen people who are so wonderfully supportive of their wondrous engagement (well, marriage); when Jenn gives us enormous amazing amounts of baby clothes and barf rags and bibs and socks and hats and convinces us that yes, we are going to need it all (and more!); when Jason is just completely wonderful, which is seriously quite often; and when Anna and Katie and Rachel send me sweet messages about this blog and I realize that people actually read what I'm writing, and enjoy it, and feel close to and connected to this magical process.
And I cry or almost cry for sad reasons too, like when I pass Children's Hospital and think of sick kids and their parents, and today, when I emailed with Louisa about the funeral she went to for a 5-year old boy who was killed by a truck in Berkeley recently—and she gave me the link to the website that has been made for him and I could barely look at it, and I realized that, despite my sense of calm and peace, I am affected in new ways by things relating to children dying or hurting or being harmed. I felt the gorgeous scary weight of this thing that Jason and I are doing, this bringing a life into the world and hoping beyond hope that we can keep it safe and healthy and happy and warm and alive. I'm not afraid of it, I just feel it, deeply. These thoughts in particular have made me cry several times today, and will probably keep me crying on and off for the rest of my life.
I also almost cried when Ellen had Portia DeRossi on her show today and they were really loving and sweet. My sister almost cried too, and she's not pregnant. Fleet Foxes makes me almost cry, and so does Neko Case. And Tom Waits, but that's obvious.
I definitely thought that writing this would make me cry, but it hasn't seemed to. Maybe that's because I just drank a cup of tea and I have to pee super bad and that's kind of dominating my realm of physical sensations right now.
Anyway. To all you awesome friends who are reading this and supporting us and being so kind and present and loving and excited and generous: THANK YOU! I love you guys. Ok, now I'm almost crying...
2 comments:
This is really beautiful. You're a weeping willow and a mighty oak.
Ivy Cat is a lucky babe to have such a great mom-in-the-making.
I laughed out loud reading this. The kick boxing chuckles got me going. I can't wait to see you and to meet this little one. Hope to get together soon!!!!
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